Monday, June 20, 2005
The Literary Dick (as in Private Detective)
welcomes questions about literary mysteries and scandals, which should be sent to: woodyswoody@hotmail.com. The Literary Dick (as in Private Detective) is published by Jonathanames.com. Ames, our mentor at this website, has an excellent new book out called, Wake Up, Sir! and an even newer book out (he is the editor) called Sexual Metamorphosis: An Anthology of Transsexual Memoirs.
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An horrendous penis injuries story; an almost-as-bad eyeball problem.
Since its inception, my friend Dr. Dean has been the medical adviser to this website. In his thoughtful and gracious manner he has lent his expertise to answering questions about bruised gonads, opium induced constipation, and my (so he theorizes) masturbatory induced carpal tunnel syndrome. I recently received the unfortunate news that Dr. Dean has had some medical problems of his own. Before I relate those I want to share a story he told me about some work he did in the emergency room of a hospital situated near a prison.
This story is 100% true.
Apparently the prison - somewhere in England - is known for being unpleasant and housing many tough customers. Sometimes the inmates decide that a day at the hospital – where one might be ministered to by nice nurses -is preferable to a day in the clink. As a result, self-induced injuries are not unheard of.
“Yeah,” said Dr. Dean, “They stab themselves, put dirt in their chest, that sort of thing.”
One day Dr. Dean was brought an inmate – escorted, as they are at all times, by a prison guard - who told him that he had rolled up aluminum foil and inserted it into his urethra.
“What did you say to him?” I asked.
“I asked him to take his pants off. I inspected his penis; the foil was lodged completely up there - none was hanging out - so there was nothing I could do, so I sent him to the urologist.”
“Ok, but what did you say to him? Did you ask him why he did it? Did he think about what other materials he could have used? Did he choose a penis injury to increase the chances that someone would have to touch it?”
“No. I didn’t ask any of that. It’s just a waste of time with those guys. I wasn’t going to have a discussion; what could he possibly tell me that would be important?” Dr. Dean said this like a battle scared veteran, as if he had learned from previous encounters with inmates.
Anyway, as I said, Dr. Dean has problems of his own. He wrote to me about them:
“I've been a little stressed lately, and I think things got a bit crazy and I began to get pain in my right eye at the beginning of the month. The eye got worse and so did I - I've had the problem before and usually I manage it with steroid eye drops - unfortunately it seems this time the condition was more aggressive and I was admitted to hospital for 4 nights last week for oral steroids and half hourly eye drops. In addition, I had to have 3 injections into my eyeball which were about as horrible a thing as I've ever experienced. I'm now out of hospital and on the mend, although I'm still taking lots of pills and eye drops hourly.”
Here’s hoping Dr. Dean gets better!
welcomes questions about literary mysteries and scandals, which should be sent to: woodyswoody@hotmail.com. The Literary Dick (as in Private Detective) is published by Jonathanames.com. Ames, our mentor at this website, has an excellent new book out called, Wake Up, Sir! and an even newer book out (he is the editor) called Sexual Metamorphosis: An Anthology of Transsexual Memoirs.
-----------------------------------------------
An horrendous penis injuries story; an almost-as-bad eyeball problem.
Since its inception, my friend Dr. Dean has been the medical adviser to this website. In his thoughtful and gracious manner he has lent his expertise to answering questions about bruised gonads, opium induced constipation, and my (so he theorizes) masturbatory induced carpal tunnel syndrome. I recently received the unfortunate news that Dr. Dean has had some medical problems of his own. Before I relate those I want to share a story he told me about some work he did in the emergency room of a hospital situated near a prison.
This story is 100% true.
Apparently the prison - somewhere in England - is known for being unpleasant and housing many tough customers. Sometimes the inmates decide that a day at the hospital – where one might be ministered to by nice nurses -is preferable to a day in the clink. As a result, self-induced injuries are not unheard of.
“Yeah,” said Dr. Dean, “They stab themselves, put dirt in their chest, that sort of thing.”
One day Dr. Dean was brought an inmate – escorted, as they are at all times, by a prison guard - who told him that he had rolled up aluminum foil and inserted it into his urethra.
“What did you say to him?” I asked.
“I asked him to take his pants off. I inspected his penis; the foil was lodged completely up there - none was hanging out - so there was nothing I could do, so I sent him to the urologist.”
“Ok, but what did you say to him? Did you ask him why he did it? Did he think about what other materials he could have used? Did he choose a penis injury to increase the chances that someone would have to touch it?”
“No. I didn’t ask any of that. It’s just a waste of time with those guys. I wasn’t going to have a discussion; what could he possibly tell me that would be important?” Dr. Dean said this like a battle scared veteran, as if he had learned from previous encounters with inmates.
Anyway, as I said, Dr. Dean has problems of his own. He wrote to me about them:
“I've been a little stressed lately, and I think things got a bit crazy and I began to get pain in my right eye at the beginning of the month. The eye got worse and so did I - I've had the problem before and usually I manage it with steroid eye drops - unfortunately it seems this time the condition was more aggressive and I was admitted to hospital for 4 nights last week for oral steroids and half hourly eye drops. In addition, I had to have 3 injections into my eyeball which were about as horrible a thing as I've ever experienced. I'm now out of hospital and on the mend, although I'm still taking lots of pills and eye drops hourly.”
Here’s hoping Dr. Dean gets better!
